When You Left
by venice m
Summary: When you left, I became undone. Slight AU.


Authors Note: Hello everyone! A pleasant greeting to you all. This is my very first Orphan Black fic, so I am a bit nervous about it. I do have another fic that I am supposed to be working on, but I could just could not get this idea out of my head, so I had to write it. It involves one of my favorite pairings CosimaxSarah (aka punky monkey). I have so much reverence and respect for this show and the characters, so I hope this fic does these two characters justice. This fic will be in Cosima's POV.

Reviews, suggestions, criticisms, thoughts, etc. are welcomed and appreciated.

I apologize in advance for any errors/mistakes.

I hope you enjoy! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Orphan Black, or any of the characters associated with the show.

When you left, I became undone.

I couldn't believe it. It was beyond my mind to comprehend.

You had said it was over countless times before. But something always brought you back.

But from your careful whisper, your cautious word choice, and the painfully disinterested look in your eyes, I knew that your choice was permanent.

You attempted to handle the conversation with as delicate of a touch as you could manage. But your attempt to shield me from pain was futile.

Nothing you could have said or done would have saved me from this utter devastation.

When you uttered those words, my world dissipated.

When you left, I lost it.

My sanity had left me.

I was constantly shaking from the anxiety that wracked my body. I barely ate. And rarely slept. I cried every night and morning religiously. I begged whoever there is above to grant me a swift and merciful death in my sleep. The pain was too great. I felt like I was sick all over again.

After sometime passed, I pleaded for you to take me back. I promised to change and be what you always wanted.

I would have done anything so that you wouldn't leave.

But again, you rejected me. And that is when my heart turned cold.

You rejected me when I begged for you. But every time you came back to me, wanting to be with me, I welcomed you back in with open arms and no judgment or malice in my heart.

I should have denied you from the moment you suggested leaving me.

A part of me wishes that we never crossed that boundary.

We were friends. Best friends. Our situation and heartache, our uncanny similarities, and our intense contrasts brought us together.

But that fire, that unyielding attraction, and passionate pull is what made us cross the line.

We fell in love.

I feel deep. Deeper than you did.

Because if you loved me, you would have never left.

When you left, I was haunted,

I couldn't get you out of my mind. From the time we united together as one until now, you have constantly been in my head.

And it's so hard to rid myself of thoughts of you when you are everywhere.

You are in every love song that I hear and every romance I witness. You are in every sunrise. The rain falls to the rhythm of your heartbeat that I remember so well. My sheets still smell like you, a sweet aroma of cinnamon and toffee with a hint of cigarettes,

When I lay down my head to sleep at night, I swear I can still fell the ghost of your chest pressed against my back, and your heavy breaths bathing the back of my neck with warmth. The silence of my bedroom echoes your name and it quickens the yearning of my heart for you.

I still remember the way you moaned my name when we made love. How you put so much emphasis on the "m" and dragged out the "a" as you fell into total bliss.

I remember how you would gaze into my eyes and kiss me breathless, then say "I love you Cos" and I would smile until my face burned red.

With every smile, and every tear, I think of you.

I wish I didn't. I wish I could forget you.

I am full of fury.

I am full of hatred for you.

It is not fair that you get to have this power over me. I feel like you have abandoned me.

You took away everything.

All of the hopes and dreams I had planned for you. The ring that I picked out for you. The kids we were going to have. Our dream home. Our life together.

You took that all away.

You took her away. You took Kira.

My love for her runs as deep as my love for you. Her and I were just starting to connect. She was just starting to talk to me more, tell me how her days at school were. She was starting to ask me questions and look to me for what to do. She wanted me to tuck her into bed at night and double check for monsters. She wanted us to go out for ice cream and look at the night sky so I could tell her again about all the "pretty looking stars".

But you robbed me of her. I haven't seen her since you left me. I will miss her. I will miss her growing up. Having her first school dance, and her first crush. I will miss being there after school when she fails her first test, or needs dating advice.

I wanted to be her mother too, and you took that from me.

When you left, I questioned everything.

I started to doubt myself. And self-loathing ruled my thoughts. I went over things over and over in my head and tried to figure out what exactly I did so wrong to cause this irrevocable rift.

To lose you was my biggest fear.

And for so long, I blamed myself for making that fear a reality.

But as time went one I changed my thinking.

Maybe you were to blame too, maybe we both were.

I needed to let you go, let you be happy. Even if that happiness does not involve me.

But imagining you being happy without me is a living nightmare. It fills me with misery.

I want to move on. I want to find another love. But I can't.

You took so much from me Sarah. You broke me.

I'm not the same. I can't be.

When you left, I couldn't, and still can't, put myself back together.

I am undone.


End file.
